Friday, November 28, 2014

Losing A Baby

When my husband and I decided to have another baby, we were so excited and nervous. We already have two young children, but we felt that someone wanted to join our family. We decided to trust God, trust our feelings, and go ahead with having another baby. We love children, and we overjoyed with the idea of having another precious child in our home. We felt that it was the right time. So when we found out we were pregnant the end of September, we were so excited.

We made my doctor's appointment a little early since we weren't 100% sure when I was due since I never got my period back due to breastfeeding. When the day the appointment arrived, we were so excited to get to see our precious baby. However, the unexpected happened. I never thought that my doctor's appointment would end up in me leaving in tears and feeling so helpless. At my doctor's appointment, I was informed by my doctor that my pregnancy would most likely end up in a miscarriage. All she could say to me was "it is hard growing a baby" and "at least you know you can kids". I left so angry because my baby, the one I might lose, matters to me. My baby that would be number 3 matters.

I had to wait several hours to hear back on the results of the blood work to determine my hormone levels. Based on the results, my doctor said "it is a miscarriage". I was about 6.5 weeks along and I knew I was somewhere between 6 to 10 weeks along. The doctor felt that there should have been a heartbeat.She wanted me to get vaginal pills or schedule a D&C. I was horrified. From my research, there was still a possibility that I might not have a miscarriage so I believed in that. I told my doctor that I would wait two days and get my blood drawn again so I would know without a doubt what was going on. My doctor wasn't happy, but I didn't care. I already made up my mind that I would never see her again. Life is very sacred to me and I treat life with respect. I could not take something that would make my body start cramping and bleeding if my baby was still alive.

And so began the longest 2 days of my life. I rested, I prayed, and then I prayed and rested some more. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that my precious baby girl would be saved (I felt that this baby was a girl and so far I have never been wrong about the gender of my babies). When moments of doubt entered my mind, I would go and pray to remove my unbelief. I told God that I put my trust in Him. My husband felt the same way that I did so I was grateful to have his love and support. During my days of prayer, I came across this quote by  Dieter F. Uchtdor, 1st counselor of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, that I felt was an answer to my prayer!
I know many of you struggle with difficulties and trials. You are in my prayers. I hope that you will continue to pray as well. Your prayers are heard. Your Father in Heaven knows the desires of your heart. I cannot tell you why one individual’s prayers are answered one way while someone else’s are answered differently. But this I can tell you: the righteous desires of your hearts will bring blessings to your lives.
No matter your circumstances or trials in life, I urge you to remember who you are, where you came from, and where you are going—for the answers to those questions will truly provide confidence and direction for your life.

When the two days were up and I finally got my blood work results in, I couldn't believe what I was told. My hormone levels dropped quite a bit. I was having a miscarriage. What hurt the most was to have to tell my husband the news. He was in shock and didn't want to believe. He asked, "Could they be wrong?" I will never forget the look in his eyes when he learned the truth from my eyes. Oh how we both wished that the blood work was wrong. But deep down I knew the tests weren't wrong. This pregnancy felt different. I figured it was due to me being tired because I have two kids to take care of and more responsibilities. But now it makes sense. For the last month I had expressed concern to Broden about my feelings and the fact that I haven't had a dream about our baby. I normally have a dream about holding a baby when I am first pregnant and that is when I know if the baby is a male or female. I didn't have a dream because I wasn't going to get to hold my baby in this life.

I don't regret my two days of praying for a miracle. I don't regret believing that my baby was still alive. I know of stories where women were in my situation and their baby lived! So if you are in my situation, then don't give up. Wait a few more days because you never know if your baby will be a miracle baby!

Once again the hospital tried to persuade me to do get vaginal pills or do a D&C and I told them no. I wanted to do my miscarriage naturally. They weren't too happy, and I didn't care. I was so done with the hospital that I turned to a group of "crunchy mamas" for help and support. A midwife from the group contacted me and showed me so much support. She told me what to expect, how to manage the bleeding, and herbs and oils to use. I could contact her anytime with questions, and she would answer them as quickly as she could. I understand why so many women go to midwives now. I think I might go to a midwife when I have another baby.

I waited several days before my body officially started the miscarriage. Thankfully, I had my husband to be with me and my mom to watch the kids. When I passed the placenta and egg sac, there was so much peace in the room. A feeling of sacredness entered the room. I truly felt my little girl there telling me and Broden that everything will be okay...telling me that she is more than her little body...telling me that she will be visiting me frequently...and telling me that she will be waiting until the day that I can see her again. Broden made a simple box so we could do a do a little memorial for her and bury her in our yard in a safe place.It just felt right to do that. Oh, how I am grateful that I know that life continues beyond the grave.

During this time of loss, I got to see the love and kindness that life offers to everyone. I had people bring in meals, small gifts, and flowers. I had people text and call to see how I was doing. I was supported during the hardest experience of my life. I had to focus on those things as I went through a roller coaster of emotions. Hannah was very kind and shared this video with me. I have listened to it so many times because it truly speaks to my aching soul.

The Thanksgiving holiday was truly hard for me. It was the time that my husband and I were going to announce to our family and friends that we were expecting. Instead we had to face the hard truth that our little girl will not be joining our family right now. Instead I had to think has it really been 9 days since I lost my baby. It was hard to be so grateful for my blessings but yet be so empty and sad. I am extremely grateful to have read this article because it made me feel more normal.

I know it might be hard to know what to do or say to those who have experienced a loss of a child in any way. Here is an article that will help: pardon my grief.

My pregnancy hormones have left my body. I no longer feel nauseated which makes me curl up and cry. My pants fit better which makes me angry. I hear from family and friends who are expecting and I cry. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for their news. I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone; it is just hard to know that you have lost a precious baby and wonder why your baby couldn't stay.

I am grieving. I am devastated. My emotions change dramatically over the day. These last two weeks have been the longest two weeks of my life. Where can I turn for peace? I have turned to my God and to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I rely on them for support and understanding.  My testimony in the resurrection and in Jesus Christ keeps me afloat knowing that my little girl lives. I am using the atonement provided by my Savior, Jesus Christ, to heal. A little bit by little, I am healing. I feel a little more. I'm not as angry. I feel that I will survive.

My little girl will always be remembered. Broden and I have numbered her as one of our children. She will not be forgotten. We are healing, but there will always be a part of our hearts that will yearn for the day when we will get to see and hold her.

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